Thank you Jenny X and Ell for your love and support –

Jenny: you sound like you have been thru so much – did you even wonder how you ended up attracting men with addictions? I am starting to wonder what I did “wrong” to end up with my husband – what did I miss?? he wasn’t like this when I met him! – really, he wasn’t. He loved kids, I thought he would make a great Dad – He was kind to me, attentive, sweet thoughtful – now?? Not so much…He is trying , but I feel like given *everything* he has done, i can never know what to expect from him. Did I ever think when I married him he would lie to me for **years**, gambling, sneaking away from work, spending our money, “lending to “friends”? DId I ever think he would try to take advantage of me sexually in my sleep? Repeatedly? Did I ever think he would be distant and disconnected from our children (ignore them basically) and not participate in our lives?? NO! No – I never thought it would be like that -SO, I wonder what I missed all those years ago? Or what is wrong with me to end up with someone like him???

I then tried to explain to him given that he has acted in numerous ways that I never ever, ever thought he would, I now can’t know what other things he may do – like he is a chameleon and I have no idea what color he may turn – any moment…I don’t know him any more..today he was saying to me: “remember when you drive around in your new Mercedes who pays for that..” I was like “what”??? since when do you talk to me like that? I am a prostitute ? Like if i don’t sleep with you, you will use intimidation to get what you want?? My husband was NEVER like this EVER – who is he turning into??? He apologized after this incident but it just makes me wonder who he is turning into…

This scares me and leads me not to trust him. He is trying to be patient with us not being intimate but subliminally has the attitude of “oh, just get over it!” – He has been pressuring me sexually and I keep telling him *NO* – “oh come on, just give me a kiss…” he’ll say – while I try and push him away – but he doesn’t seem to get it – how he has violated my trust, destroyed our relationship, blew up our lives. Yet some how I am feeling bad that I can’t just “put this in the past”. I keep telling myself it does no good to re-live all these things, but I simply can’t just “get over it” or forget it – his lies, deceptions, his violations of me – I think he should feel lucky I am even here at all!

I am not sure this makes any sense – I was just trying to say how I am fighting for my self preservation yet I am getting push back from him to do what he wants and I guess I feel a little guilty (? – is that weird?) for not just moving on with our lives intend of being stuck in the pain and betrayal –

When do you let that go???

As for doing stuff for me – today was “do nothing day” and even though I did a few things (dealt with our gutted condo, financial end of year work, spoke to kitchen designer, fed/took care of kids, dishes, laundry…wow – I guess that wasn’t nothing….) but for me I guess it is nothing compared to the break neck speed I usually go about my day and the number of tasks I usually cram into a day. Funny how on my “do nothing day” I still did a lot –

The point of all this is I am trying to be mindful and take time for myself to do what i need to do to survive, not just make sure every one else is ok and forget about me (which is what i usually do).

I feel like I am rambling but I hope I have made a little sense. I do hear all your love and support and am really trying to carve out time for me (eating for one) and just saying NO when I want to say no.

And to not rescue him either – I tend to do that – whenever he is messing up with the kids I used to try and protect everyone (like if he was supposed to play with the kids but fell asleep instead I would protect him and say – “oh, daddy was just tired” – now I realize the kids see him as he is no matter what I do. And yes it is sad if they have a crappy father, but there is nothing I can do about that – I can’t create nor fix that relationship and if he wants to wreck his relationship with them then that is up to him. My kids know I am there for them and can always count on me. If he blows it with his kids, it is all on HIM.

I think these are healthy steps for me – I know that all my loving friends on GT have helped me get here. I know I have miles and miles to go, but I am going…..

love to you all