Hi again Loom
Something I had not expected when my CG entered recovery was that he had to learn to trust me.
It did not surprise me that I did not trust him, I would have been naive to do so – but in fact he did not expect to be trusted because for quite a long time he couldn’t trust himself. He was determined to live gamble-free but he knows he is a CG and will always be a CG. In the early days he could only offer his hope and determination and in reality has never promised anything else but to carry on the same way taking one day at a time.
I asked him to help me support him as I didn’t want to muck up his hope of a good life. He was reluctant, feeling I think, that I had already been through enough but somewhere in our discussions I became aware that what I thought and said mattered more than it ever had before. I have thought about this a lot – an unexpected light bulb moment where the blaze surprised and changed me.
During the long gambling years he had not trusted me – his addiction didn’t want him to trust me. My words to him were worthless – he didn’t know honesty and didn’t expect to hear it back as a result. I don’t do ‘what ifs’ or ‘if onlys’, nor do I dwell in the past but I use it for reference only and I have considered what I would have said to him that was not honest and therefore in keeping with his addictive mind set. In desperation many times, for instance, I would have told him that there was no money so I could not enable him. However his addiction sensed the fudging of the truth and in time, following emotional manipulation way in excess of anything I could have believed possible, I would ‘find’ some money to pay for whatever – of course it was used to shore up his gambling before I had closed my purse.
With his recovery came an understanding to him of what he had done. He knew that he had taken a leap of faith and that he was determined to live gamble-free, he knew he had sought recovery and gained the tools to change but what had I been doing? As far as he knew I was the same – intolerant, two-faced, addiction- ignorant and definitely ignorant of all he had learned about himself. What he didn’t know was that I had determined to try and understand and in doing so I had changed too. My way was to go to Gamanon which is the sister of GA. I asked questions about everything, I struggled, raved, cried through every meeting so that when my CG eventually told me that I had done everything wrong for all the right reasons I didn’t argue as I would have done – I understood.
I have to leave it there for now but I hope I am giving you the support you seek. Please keep posting and ask any questions you have.
You have recognised that there is much work ahead and it is probably as hard as the work that has gone before but it is different. Seeking your recovery is tough but it is a step in the right direction – it is the best thing that you can do for you and ultimately for your CG.