Hi Ailujym
I’m sorry to hear you are still struggling. Being back in the same position is common with an addiction that goes round and round in a never-ending cycle.
I think what struck me most was when you said that even though your CG was going to therapy he was only ‘trying to be reasonable’ about his addiction which is not remotely the same as taking control of it. A CG cannot gamble responsibly, playing with recovery sounds to me as though he was doing lip service to keep you happy and if that was the case he was not trying at all. For a CG to change their life a commitment has to be made followed by action – there are no half measures; abstinence by itself is not recovery.
I wonder if the therapist he saw understood the addiction to gamble. I remember seeing a counsellor many years ago and telling her everything that was going on in my life and still she didn’t see that it was a CG addiction hurting me. Unfortunately I hear too often that a CG can pull the wool over the eyes of counsellors and therapists who have not comprehended what the addiction to gambling is all about and in their ignorance they do more harm than good because the CG can then say – well I did my best, I sought help. I came away convinced that the problem in my life was all my own doing and as a result I didn’t seek or get the help I needed for far too long.
I am hoping to hear that you secured a flat for yourself because I feel that being rootless is making you vulnerable and the addiction to gamble loves those who are vulnerable.
I am not judging, I went back on my resolve so many times I could never judge another, however, I do feel that you do know the right things to do but you are just finding it hard to do it.
I am not surprised that you were furious about having your recovery thrown back at you as a reason for your relationship struggling. It was a stroke of manipulative brilliance to try to get you to take the blame and I am glad you didn’t fall for it. I wondered if the so-called friends he talked to play poker with him, if they are they won’t want him to stop – they probably enjoy taking his money.
I cannot tell you what to do Ailujym but there is no way I could hope that you will return to this relationship. If you were still living with him I would try and make suggestions to improve the way things were but having now got away I think the distance between you is the best thing for you. In my view living with a CG to combat loneliness could never be a good idea – it is an addiction that brings loneliness, there can never be a certainty that your partner will come home and friends drop away because they don’t understand.
In my opinion you will definitely return to the cycle if you go back because your partner is not making the necessary effort – maybe it would be better to ask that he makes the effort to change his life first.
I look forward to you posting again to hear what you have decided to do. Well done coming back and posting – it was the right thing to do.
Velvet
