#3231
velvet
Moderator

Hi Ali
I can see your rock and hard place now – thank you.
Your friend asked you to help him by handling his finances so when he retook control he would have known that you were going to be locked out of the accounts. However, having asked for your support with his finances and knowing that you are aware of his addiction, it seems to me, he knows there is a bombshell waiting to happen – so probably all the time you are hoping he is going to communicate, his addiction is playing for time – chasing his losses, thus leaving him with nothing he is prepared to say.
It is an unfortunate by-product of digging that nasty things surface and having brought them up it seems impossible to bring them into the open. I am not opting out when I say I cannot tell you what to do because in my opinion it depends on what you are prepared for, rather than what you want. His addiction is highly manipulative and it will not like being caught out. Many people have found that if they treat the addiction like an angry beast in the corner of the room, waiting to strike when threatened, they can open communication more easily. Keeping that addiction beast at bay is not easy but once it is between you it is very frightening – everything you say is distorted by it and everything you hear is twisted by it.
My CG told me that as soon as I started to speak to him his addiction would be on full alert so when I told him that I loved him and wanted to support him, his addiction said to him that I was obviously lying because he was a worthless, unlovable failure and I only wanted to undermine him. As a result he fought back with lies and threats because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism, leaving me to retire wounded and confused.
Standing back and listening, as you are doing, makes it easier not to get caught up in an unwanted argument because the addiction has nothing to get its teeth into but of course this does give the addiction freedom to believe it is safe.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that when you remove yourself from the centre of the addiction, you have time and energy to look after you.
Without any judgement Ali, it seems you have been affected too much by the addiction of another and your happiness should not be dependent on the outcome of this dilemma. You have written that you are going alone and enjoying your reprieve but does this mean you feel released?
Speak soon
Velvet