Dear friends –
Oh how I have so very very often thought of you all….
Sorry I have been too busy to update…it has been up and down…
I can’t even remember where I left off…our trip was actually good. My CG behaved himself after we had a long talk about what was going on and how we needed him to be “fun” and not destructive…He was fun and we all had a good time! I was so happy as was my daughter! She competes as an equestrian and had a wonderful show and her dad was present…it was great!
He has been great overall… He had what I call a slip (he doesn’t of course) when he was on travel – he told me he played a computer blackjack game “for 5 hands only” while on the plane. He still went to GA and collected his 9 month sober keyring.. I told him I didn’t think that he could count 9 months because of the slip but he didn’t listen of course….
So, he has been good TIL this weekend….
I noticed he was acting weird and obsessed with work…then last night at 1:30 am he gather his clothes up (he sleeps in another room from me because of his sex addition) and as I follow him to the other room tells me he is going to work at 5am! Easter Sunday??? he knew we had plans with the kids and he was all “oh, Ill be home for our plans”… as we argued into the night he admitted he is in a bad place and is self destructive and he feels like a failure etc….Some of this behavior might be related to his Bi polar (he does weird things and gets wound up when his meds are needing adjustment…) and I have seen him this way before..but regardless in my fear I found myself running around the house hiding all the car keys and his wallet so he couldn’t leave…who knows if he was really going to work or if he was going to casino but I didn’t want him ruining our day… I felt like a fool as I ran around at now 330 am hiding keys in the freezer but I was determined to have him home…I know that I was probably wrong, that I should just let him do as he will, but I just wanted him home..
He was so sad admitting how screwed up he is and how he is in a bad place and how he feels like a failure ..I feel bad for him…But I told him he wasn’t going to take me down with him, that no matter what I will take care of myself and my kids.
I am trying to take care of myself – I am now training Brazilian Jujitsu 6 hrs a week along with my MMA stand up training. This I do for me. I feel good about that and try and keep that commitment. My children are draining but lovely (my daughter is having a hard time and may need a medication update) but overall all is ok.
I realize my CG will be having problems forever because it is not just his CG – he also is Bipolar, ADHD, Sex Addict, Compulsive eater, CG……that makes me sad but I do love him and I know he loves us..He really has been there for me lately (except this weekend) and he has been doing better. I only hope his therapist can help him tomorrow and that he can get back on track.
I so value all of your input and friendship. I think of you all daily and try and walk the walk and be true to myself and be there for my kids…