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#5670
velvet
Moderator

Hi BJ
Well done making your stand with your parents, I know it can’t have been easy. .
Laying down rules is difficult with a CG – as is policing their movements when they are trying to change. If you lay down an ultimatum it is important that you have thought it through because the addiction can cause them to walk away when it is not the outcome you, or they, really wanted. What you think your fiancé should understand and what he does understand can be very different things.
I understand your fiancé’s sulk – if he wants to change it is so much easier without being threatened or ordered – the most important thing you can do for him is to listen rather than tell him what he should do. Having listened it is ok to gently ask questions whilst remembering that he does not think you can understand how he feels – maybe come here and talk through what you are hearing. The most important thing you can do for you is to live ‘your’ life to the full, doing the things that please you because your fiancé has not deliberately hurt you. In early recovery he has to be selfish and look after himself first so he will not immediately be the man you want him to be, or the man he wants to be.
Being a detective is not a lot of fun and it means that you are often spending 24 hours a day thinking about the addiction of another instead of living your own life. If he goes to GA, by all means check he has gone in but don’t go in with all guns blazing if he doesn’t. It takes great courage to walk through the door and it might take a few attempts before he actually makes it through. When he does, maybe you could wait until he is ready to talk about what he heard and then ask questions. GA is brilliant but not the answer for every CG,- there is no ‘one size fits all’ recovery and we can discuss other things he can do. CGs can be very quiet when they first talk openly to others about something so deep as their addiction.
I hope your family will support you and leave the handling of the way your life is with your fiancé up to you. If they want to support you further maybe they could ask our Helpline or join our forums. It is important that those who care about him speak with a united front.
Keep posting – I was hoping you would have popped into the group last night, maybe next time.
Velvet