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#5440
velvet
Moderator

Hi BL
I went back through the years on the forum to when another member posted the following words which I know are about ‘forgiveness’ and don’t relate to ‘trust’ directly but I think help when we are confused in an early recovery.

• Forgiveness isn’t condoning the behaviour.

• Forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened.

• Forgiveness isn’t restoring trust.

• Forgiveness isn’t synonymous with reconciliation.

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean doing the other person a favour.

• Forgiveness isn’t easy.

I think most of us take a lot of our relationships for granted until something comes along and rocks the boat so please stop beating yourself up over being ‘normal’.
A new normal is understandable – I remember seeing my CG as a new man when he changed his life but I recognized that I was new to him too. The strangest thing was for me to realise he had to learn to trust me if we were going to have a successful relationship.
What is it that you feel you are doing to makes him feel he has to try so hard? Talk here about what you want to achieve but also what you have already achieved,
I don’t think it is uncommon for it to appear that a CG has left the past behind with little or no effort and for F&F to feel ‘what about me?’ I can assure you that he has not forgotten the wreckage caused by his addiction and everyday he will have to confirm that just for today he will not gamble; that is something we, as F&F, do not have to do; we can fully recover from living with the addiction but a CG is a CG for life and they can only control that addiction. I lived with the active addiction for 25 years and now I trust my CG to look after the gamble-free life he entered nearly 10 years ago. I work for GT so I use my past as a ‘reference only’ but I don’t dwell in that past, I have no need to remember the minutiae and I don’t spend my life thinking ‘what if’.

I find it hard to believe that you feel you cannot change anything when you think how much you wanted your husband to change and how far he has come.
I like this alternative to the Serenity Prayer

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the thing that I can
And Wisdom to know it is me.
Keep posting – through sharing, our thoughts can unravel but by keeping them in they just get more knotted up.
Velvet