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Nice to see that steev has been providing support to you. Just to say, l,ease do t think you are in the worst position. There are plenty worse. I started gambling at 54 for fiveand a half destructiveyears. I owe about 100k and I am 19 months gambling free. I nearly lost my home, and had committalto prison proceedings to fight off for non payment of a government tax. Now, my life has got better in recovery from a deep dark hole, I was also,physically ill from the stress. There is a way out and it is called recovery. What you do is the best and most simple advice. Take one day at a time. Gambling for a big win to addicted gamblers is a big fat lie. Surrender to your higher power, whatever you believe thatto be. Gamblingis truly a progressive illness, it just gets worse and it takes so much more than our money.
Find help and support through groups here, GA or counselling. There are always deep rooted reasons why we gamble to destruction. The pain you describe I felt in early recovery, I had a lot of pains and the counselling process helped to release some of that pain. Be kind and gentle to yourself. You are worthy of love and loving yourself.
There is a way out of this mess