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Hi Charlster

Many thanks for your words. I have poured my heart out on this blog (yours, mine others) in a way that is hard to do in real life. But I know I will never be judged, that everyone here understand what this illness has done/ does/ can do to us left unchecked. I believe I am in the early stages of my addiction and that left untreated will get worse – it’s gotten worse every day for 3 years, so certainly won’t get better.

I do have chinks of hope, but the depression keeps pushing them away from me. I must try harder to focus on them and try and turn the neative thoughts around. The truth is I am not going to prison (yet), I have not committed a crime. I have been addicted and that has made me act in a way that is totally alien to me. But I think this is a new chapter for me. I think I am destined to learn what I have to learn at GMA and every day after that. I want to be a good person, a smart person, a person who thinks things through, who doesn’t need cructhes or escapes, who can focus on his work, learn new skills, grow a, bring up my son well, be there for him as he goes through the struggle of life.

My life isn’t so bad and all my owes are self inflicted, but posting on here and getting responses such as yours mean so much. I do hope that I can meet you one day when we are clean, Charlster, and getting on with out lives as happy, productive normal non-gambling people, who can put this behind us as yet another learning curve. I feel you and I have so much in common, I am starting to think of you as a sort of older brother (don’t be offended).

I have seen you grow and learn through your posts, how you dealt with the lapse was nothing short of brilliant. You are a deep person as you say, I think you know yourself well. I do not know myself well, it seems. I am interested to see who I am when I am in therapy and working through the issues. What made me gamble so ferociously, what made me desire that above all else, especially as I was achieving my dream of owning my own production copmany. Maybe this is meant to happen, maybe, if there is a God, this is his plan. I cannot say. I must simply now trust in the love of this site and those around me. SO that I can give back.

I am going to do as you say, and be strong so that my wife can see me making an effort.

You take care and thank you for your time.