I have been following your posts and while I am in no real position to give advice, i can relate to the chaos that seems apparent in your posts. My story is buried in the F&F forum but briefly my CG is also Bipolar, sex addict, ADHD and narcoleptic. He has lied to me, been inappropriate sexually with me, hidden money, lost money, leant money to fellow CG’s which of course never returned, etc, etc.
So when you speak of chaos, I understand. I of course, like so many of the F&F on this site, was initially blaming myself, trying to “fix him”, always looking to help him so that our life would be better.
Fast forward to 7 years later. I no longer try and “fix” him. I ended up throwing him out of the house because his behavior got to be just too much. He ended up finally getting the help he needed but as far as I am concern he is on probation. I do not trust him. The only way he was allowed back in the house was to agree to put a GPS tracker on his phone, attend therapy and group therapy, attend SA and GA, and be religious about his meds.
I say all this to try and get across that you are not alone. I used to wonder if I was the only human on earth that lived in the crazy world that I did, but after being on this site, I realized I was not alone.
As twightlight says, you are survivor and should feel really good about protecting yourself. The best thing I ever did was let go of my CG. Once I STOPPED worrying about him (and everything else, actually) I was able to finally focus on me; my recovery. I look at as not selfish but more self-preservation.
I have always been one of those moms who said “I have bent so far over for my kids that I am in a circle”. While I still take care of my kids, I now am able to say NO to them. To give myself some time to do what I need (go to gym, doctors appointments, etc). I never did that before. And it feels good.
Despite how horrible you may feel, I can assure you others have felt that way (I have felt that way) and when I thought i would never survive, I did! It got better. I don’t know what my future holds for me or my CG, but I know what I want and what I need to do for myself.
Do something good for yourself. Take a step back, take a deep breath and know you have survived.
We are all here for you…
Sending you love across the miles