Hi Dadda

I believe that the best way to go forward is to leave the past behind but I appreciate that you feel that the past is affecting you today and will carry on affecting you tomorrow. I would imagine that all those who have had the addiction to gamble in their lives will have suffered financial loss and I know that lives are altered by the financial loss as well as the emotional. Gambling throws money away that is never to be seen again and no amount of ‘if onlys or what ifs’ will make a scrap of difference.
I believe that counselling, medication and/or time is the answer for your horrendous panic attacks – for me it was time and Gamanon where I spoke to those who understood my experience.
I appreciate that many people research into the things that have affected them and that that this is the way you are trying to deal with your situation –it is the path that I eventually took. The more I read your posts, however, the more I am wondering if the research you have gone into isn’t misleading you because in my view, your ex-husband’s gambling appears to be only part of his problem. We have a large CG community here who have accepted their addiction and whom I would imagine must struggle to see themselves in your posts – the violence and the sort of abuse you received is not usual. I am sure your CG cannot expect to get further enablement from you – enablement is usually the sole purpose for a CG to keep any sort of inter-active relationship alive and your relationship is over.
You have had words of thanks for your support in other threads so you are definitely not being ignored but your own thread makes for difficult reading and therefore replies are possibly less likely.
I am sincerely glad that you know that I am not trying to slam you or be negative – I am here only to support.
I don’t know if you have ever read the following words which are in the Gamanon handbook and which spoke to me when I was struggling for answers. Maybe they will help

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry: two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
This leaves only one day – TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow – that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

I really hope you will find your answers and find the peace of mind that you deserve.