Hi Dairy
The beauty about this forum is that you can read the same thing written in different ways by so many people which means, to me, it is worth listening to.
My CG went away for 9 months into rehab, I did not hear from him for 6 months. I could have spent that 9 months worrying about him and feeling left out or I could look after me. Worrying about my CG would have achieved nothing – he was finding ‘his’ recovery and it had nothing to do with my recovery – they were not the same. In that time I reformed friendships that I had lost because of the addiction, I re-joined life, went out, changed my thinking, gained knowledge of the addiction to gamble and learned to live for me again. I ceased to think about the addictive behaviour 24 hours a day. I found peace.
If I had not changed when he was away he would have returned to the same person he had left – a victim of his addiction with no confidence or self esteem. Instead he came home to a confident person, someone who had learned to love themselves and he was proud and relieved at that transformation. He had not deliberately wanted his addiction to hurt me; he did not want me to be part of the wreckage his addiction had caused – he didn’t want the guilt of me.
Am I right in thinking that you are in the same group? I attended Gamanon which is the sister group of GA. We were not allowed to go into GA meetings apart from the occasional invited evening. The reason I think this is successful is that CGs can talk freely and share their concerns – if I had attended GA with my CG my anger, frustration and misery would have prevented him from speaking from his heart, my judgement would have crippled his progress, likewise if he had been in my Gamanon meeting I would not have opened up as I did among those who understood me as he couldn’t.
I suggest this is why you find it hard to open up. CGs form a bond – they identify with each other and that support is wonderful. F&F form a bond and identify with each other and to me that support is invaluable as it shows in this forum. Would it be possible for those who are friends and family in your group to form a separate entity where you can talk freely about what worries you? At the moment you are hearing your fiancé’s concerns in a meeting with others who understand him. I suspect he doesn’t want to talk about it again when he comes home because you have already heard it and possibly formed judgements on what you have heard.
How long have you been affected by your fiancé’s addiction?
I do not know what my CG talked about as he sought to control his addiction although I am aware, from him, that he blamed me for months. We have a terrific relationship now because both of us changed our lives and both of us took care of our own life.
I hope some of this answers you questions but if not please just keep talking.