#3340
velvet
Moderator

Hi Dairy
Well done starting your thread.
I will reply to this thread and offer some thoughts on the other thread you have started. We do recommend that you only have one thread and this one seems to me to be the best one for you to continue with. If you have more than one thread posts can get lost.
You said that you were attending your meetings – are you with Gamanon?
CGs in early recovery can be incredibly difficult – without their addiction there is a void in their lives which can resemble grief and each CG handles this in a different way.
You are doing great being supportive of his programme but the best support you can give him is to fill your life with good things that please you, things that maybe the addiction stopped you doing. See your family, see your friends, enjoy your hobbies and share your pleasures with him – give him time to come round to joining you – he has so much going on in his mind and he needs to not have to worry about you – he is not deliberately hurting you.
My CG told me that what I considered his needs were, were in fact ‘my needs’ and he was right. I understand you wanting to reintroduce your fiancé to your family but that is your need and right now it isn’t his. You mentioned a fight when you tried to get him to reconnect but fighting in early recovery is pointless and counter-productive.
Your fiancé is being selfish but that is his way to save his life and the way for you to counter-balance that is for you to look after yourself first. He wants to concentrate on the steps, which is what he should be doing and he is to be commended for it. Sadly it has left you feeling left out which is why doing things for you every day, where the addiction is forbidden access to your mind, is so important. Learn to love yourself and to realise how important and unique you are.
CGs feel they have nothing to give, they feel worthless and unlovable and afraid because their lives are ruled by an addiction that brings them constant failure. You may think that by telling your fiancé he is worthwhile and lovable he will believe you but his brain is still trying to disentangle itself from an addiction that knows how to make him feel otherwise. If you imagine your fiancé’s head is full of water – the water being his addiction; until he has tipped some of that water out there is no room for ‘your’ hopes and dreams or ‘your’ needs. He hears you as though through water, your lips move but you make no sense – yet. He needs time and while he is taking that time it is so important that you give yourself time.
I don’t believe that it is a miracle when a CG controls his/her addiction; I believe it is hard work and courage. It is only your fiancé who can make himself face his demons and CGs need space to do so – it is not ‘shutting out’. If all your fiancé wants is to settle down and have a healthy relationship then he has taken a big step forward but he has a long way to go. Knowledge of his addiction will help you understand and cope – your fiancé will want to trust you.
Velvet