Hi Ddaria
I don’t hear a control freak, I hear a person who is trying to make sense of the senseless behaviour that is going on in her home.
Unfortunately you cannot save your husband – only he can do that and to do it he must want to be the man that he would wish to be, not the one that says ‘this is just the way I am’. The good news is that he can change and good support is invaluable to him.
It is possible, although of course I have no way of knowing that he has lost previous relationships through his addiction – he may well be resigned to losing you in the same way and feel there is nothing he can do – he has no idea how to change his life.
The best advice I can give you is to look after you first. This may seem negative but for most F&F it is the way they have coped and survived and ultimately it is the best way to help your husband. At the moment your relationship is probably soured by poor behaviour from your husband followed by pleas, anger, tears, ultimatums from you for him to change – but nothing has changed. On this site we use the expression ‘if everything you have done so far hasn’t worked, then maybe it is time to do something different’. If every day you do something for yourself that gives ‘you’ pleasure and takes you away from worrying about an addiction that doesn’t care whether you worry or not, you will begin to find yourself again. Maybe you could see friends and family, talk about things that are not gambling related, have a spa session, a manicure, shop for a new dress, walk in the park, anything that gives ‘you’ pleasure, feel the difference in you and allow your husband’s addiction to be confused by the brighter, happier you instead of you being confused by his addiction.
If it was me Daria I would lose the tracking device because the chances are he will be in the casino and no amount of tracking will change that – the device is adding to your misery and you know anyway were he is.
Perhaps you could print off the 20 Questions from the Gamblers Anonymous website and leave them for him to find. Your husband may not appreciate that he has a recognised addiction and that there is a lot of good support for him.
I am going to leave this post to you here Daria and wait to hear from you again. I hope it helps to know that you are not alone and that in this forum all your words are understood. I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know the addiction to gamble can be controlled – your husband can do it but he will find it easier to do it if you are not part of the wreckage of his addiction.
If you disagree with anything I say please just come back at me – there is no judgement on this site.
Velvet
