Hi DK,

I only have a minute as I am in the process of moving, but I want to offer a few words of encouragement.

On another thread you asked what is meant by “taking care of yourself”. And in your new thread here you are wondering why your fiancé has seemingly shut you out of his recovery process.

For me, taking care of myself means changing the things I can by protecting our joint finances and limiting his access to money (among other things). I’ve gotten busy doing things I want to do instead of worrying every minute of every day about what my cg is doing, why he is doing it, why he can’t see what my needs are (and seemingly doesn’t care), and why he won’t assuage my fears and insecurities by talking to me about it. Those constant thoughts and concerns of his addiction won’t change a thing and do neither of us any good.

It has taken me a very long time to realize that my husband’s recovery is completely separate from mine and we must each be totally selfish doing what we need to do in the process.

You may think that is not possible when two people are sharing a life together, but It is. You may not have the relationship you once had, and it may not be what you expected or wanted, but, for me, I am beginning to believe it is possible to have a loving and sustainable relationship with a cg. It most certainly is not easy, and my circumstances are different from yours, as is everyone’s, but this has been my experience thus far in my recovery.

I hope you will continue reading and posting on this forum so you will gain the knowledge to know the difference between what you can change (which is you) and what you cannot change (which is your fiancé), and with that wisdom determine what you are willing (or not willing) to accept and live with.

Hang in there DK – things will get better.