Hi Erin, your story is very familiar to me in many aspects. In 2003 my hb was convicted of embezzlement (83K) and sentence to a year in prison because he worked for the fed. gov. and stole the money from his workplace. He also has to pay restitution which he cannot do in his lifetime, he is 62 and disabled. The day the sentence was announced, I considered my marriage over. We are still married on paper for various reasons but do not live together. Gamblers are pathological liars, no doubt about it. But my hb, just as yours kept on lying about lots of things. He had not been gambling for 11 years prior to that huge relapse but lying was a daily thing for him. He avoided anything he found unpleasant, anything that he knew would bother me. When he knew I would not agree with something, he did it anyway and lied about it. After being released from prison, he relapsed right away and then several more times until I called it quits on him and told him he had to move out of my house (he lived on my couch for 4 years). He completed a 120 day inpatient treatment program and has been in recovery every since. What he learned in tx was an eye opener. Lying was his way of coping with life as a child with an extremely abusive mother and several stepfathers. His siblings did the same. He now believes that this was the seed his cg grew from, at least partially.
Do you know for sure that your hb is not gambling? Going to GA and counseling could just be lip service. Do you have any indication that he is actually working? It sounds like you support your family by yourself? To me, something doesn’t add up. Just mho here of course. If you are the only bread winner AND pay HIS restitution, would it not be better to take this money and pay a baby sitter for your kids? I’m an outsider here and just look at the naked facts so please don’t take offense. At the end of the day, his actions put him in the position he is in and bailing him out of the consequences by paying the restitution makes things very easy for him. Not contributing to the family expenses sounds outrageous to me. But maybe I’m too harsh because my take on the hole my hb dug for himself was to just tell him to go and take care of it and so I handed it over to him. His choice, his consequences, his altogether. Today, I support his recovery as good as I can and am willing to. Should he relapse again, he is on his own. His retirement is garnished every month for the restitution payment and he has to live with it. And ironically this is the reason I could not buy my own place which is the only thing I have left to wish for. At the end of the day, the choices he made will affect me directly forever.
Sorry for the long post, I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one dealing with these issues. What is important really is YOU and your kids. Take care of yourself and the children how YOU think is best. I wish you strength and peace of mind. The burden is just too much for just one pair of shoulders.