#3723
velvet
Moderator

Hi Erin
I am not surprised you are tired and full of anger – you are working so hard to clear debts that you didn’t incur and you are feeling a lack of support.
Has your spouse ever admitted a lie to you? Does he lie about things that are unimportant? Are you able to ask him, without an argument, why he lies – and if so, would he consider confiding in his GA group or counsellor that he still feels the need to lie.
When he says he has a job, do you tell him that you don’t believe him, or do you ask about his fellow workers and whether or not he is enjoying the work? Point blank refusals to believe a liar usually result in a bigger lie as they seek to save face. I am not judging, I think I would have the point blank refusal to believe on the tip of my tongue – but I am wondering why he still feels the need to lie.
Your spouse is dealing with an addiction that has taken away his self-esteem and confidence and maybe he invented the job as a cover up for his feeling of inadequacy. He is feeling he has failed you and he is lying to try and make things better but of course, as you and I know, it makes matters worse because there cannot be trust while the lying continues. I know his addiction will have knocked your self-esteem and confidence out of the window too but unfortunately (or fortunately) because you are the logical rational person in the relationship, it tends to come down to you to be the understanding one. I certainly agree that you could do with someone to support you on the ground. Is there a Gamanon near you or is there a counsellor you could talk to who has been recommended? I do think it is important to find a counsellor who will give you the right support because without knowledge of the addiction, I think they can drive up so many blind alleys and possibly make things worse.
6 months house arrest has put your spouse under your feet so you haven’t had any time for ‘you’. I know that the addiction to gamble divides families by feeding on lies and secrecy but do you have friends to talk to or a supportive family? Unfortunately unless people have lived with the addiction to gamble, their opinions can be very narrow and not supportive so personally I think it is best to ask for support while stating that you don’t want opinions.
I’m glad you wrote your post – I know how writing can get angry thoughts out, leaving space for thinking more clearly.
Please post again and ask any questions and I will do my best to support you
Velvet