Hi Gd
Your husband ‘can’ be helped but sadly only if he wants to be helped and he can only be helped when he accepts that he has a serious problem.
The one person ‘you’ can save is you and in my opinion that is the best way forward for you and for him too.
His addiction is sapping your energy and pulling you down and when it has pulled you all the way down you will not be able to help either of you. I believe it is time to stop babysitting him because he is not a baby and he possibly needs to be allowed to hurt a bit before he accepts he has to grow up.
I think it is important that you keep your finances in your name and that he has no access at all to your cards or your cash. Protect your pin numbers and tell him that you will no longer enable him for his own sake. Maybe it would be a good idea to let him know that you have sought help because you are taking his problem seriously, even if he will not. I am sure he can turn on the most amazing charm to get you to bail him out but every time you enable, you are feeding an insatiable addiction.
I do not doubt that your husband has a brilliant mind, that he is smart and great with maths but unfortunately none of these attributes have curbed his addiction. Compulsive gamblers are often wonderful and great with people which is how they get enablement.
Once a gambler’s gambling debts are cleared there is no incentive for him to stop – it is hard, I know but unless you stop enabling him this sorry state of affairs will continue.
A compulsive gambler cannot walk away from the ‘gamble’ and that is the nature of the beast. Your husband is young and possibly still believes that he will ‘win’ but it will not happen? The addiction has nothing to do with money, a gambler only sees money as a tool to indulge his passion, whether it is a cent or $1,000,000. Friends and family find it hard to understand because they understand the value of money but a gambler wants to ‘gamble’, nothing else. It doesn’t matter how many of his friends can gamble, your husband cannot win if he does.
I suggest he has not focused on changing yet – he has still not accepted responsibility for his own behaviour and sadly, while you protect him and take responsibility for him, he has no reason to change.
This message is tough and I hope you will keep posting because I believe you need someone to listen to you who understands how difficult this is. We have a brilliant Helpline which is available for you and your husband. It is one-to-one and anonymous. It would be great to ‘meet’ you in an F&F group where we can communicate in real time, nothing said in the group appears on the forum and it is private.
I have known many men like your husband, many of whom have accepted their addiction and turned their lives around so I know it can be done. It isn’t easy, it takes tremendous determination and courage but is so much easier with good support.
It is really important that you enjoy your life so please keep up with friendships, family, hobbies and interests – don’t let your husband’s addiction control your life.
I will finish this first reply with my favourite quote ‘You may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing there will be no results – Mahatma Gandi
Please post again
Velvet