Hi Gidge
It’s good to hear that you have so much support in place.
Jenny has mentioned treating the addiction as a beast in the corner which is not a method recognised professionally but it has helped many people cope better with their loved ones addiction.
When your husband refuses to talk to you his addiction is wide awake like a slavering beast in the corner of the room waiting to pounce on anything that threatens it. Your husband is controlled by that addiction but you are not and as long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten it, it will stay quiet. His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation which you are not and nor do you want to be. When you threaten it by saying no to money, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument. Once the addiction beast is between you, you will only hear his addiction speak and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you with tantrums and fear. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t lie but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind convincing him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction to gamble only offers failure to those who sadly own it.
I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he/she is different. I think it is good, although difficult, to not ‘try’ and believe the CG because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your husband is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you which is what you need most of all.
Hopefully during your three nights without your husband’s addiction, seeking to demoralise you, you have rested your mind.
I would never tell anybody to leave or to stay with an active addiction – I cannot tell you what to do but knowledge of your husband’s addiction will give you power over it. Your husband has knowledge of addiction and I hope this forum is giving you the tools with which to cope on an equal footing.
Speak soon