#3537
jenny46
Participant

I was the partner of a CG for coming up to 7 years so I may have an idea of what you may be going through right now. This forum has been my saving grace for many years and without it I do not believe I would have the fantastic life I have today. So what ever happens please stick with it.

I’m glad you are beginning to see that it is his problem to be accountable and responsible for his own actions and not yours. I think you’ve read in Veras reply to you regarding the very big but in the middle of all of this, being he has to have the desire to change and not one that is just said when the proverbial hits the fan to stop you taking any form of action, or at least action that counts.

If a CG wants to gamble then they will, no amount of putting him to bed early like a naughty child is going to change that. My ex once said to me, it takes 2 minutes to place a bet and the other 23 hours and 58 minutes are taken up with planning the next one, planning the next lie or excuse, scheming and plotting ( that was in one of his more honest moments !)

The fact that he needs to do this is leading to you having to try and keep up, stay ahead of the game etc and although you may end up with a set of private detective skills which are second to none, it will not help it will burn you out as I think you are starting to discover. As has been said before the only way to win is not to play. The lies just get bigger along with the increase in distrust and resentment.

If you have protected your finances consider changing the one person you can change and which you can control and that is you. You may want to say why should I change its not me with the addiction its him and you’d be right but addiction is not called a family illness for no reason and it has the capacity to bring those that are closest to it down.

You will hear people say to you about looking after you and it seems almost a trivial thing in the scale of things ( as if you have time !) but take it from me it is the key to your own success. As it stands now, far from you being in control of it and its goings on, it is controlling your life, bringing you down to act in a way that no one in a loving relaitionship should have to do, finishing university because of it etc, controlling the person will not control the addiction, its sometimes helpful to see the person differently to the addiction.

When was the last time you did something that was just for you without the G word creeping in somewhere down the line, where are you on your own list of priorities, I am guessing somewhere near the bottom. Your happiness is important, more important, your children need a mum who is together and happy. Your happiness cannot depend on the recovery of another you need to recover to.

Whether you stay or go is a choice only you can make the same as controling his addiction is a choice only he can make. When was the last time you went out and had a laugh with a friend or bought yourself something without considering the impact on your finances because of his gambling ?

I chose a different life and I am still standing to tell the tale in a new and fantastic relaitionship which only serves to hit the point home that I stayed way to long in something that was destructive to me and my children and also to my ex CG. However I also know of people who have made it work there are many examples on this forum and I would take my hat off to them every time – it can be done.

I have no regrets, a few unpleasant memories now and again but I believe I am a stronger person and my learning has been incredible I am almost glad I did it !!I can apply it now to so many other different things.

Protect your finances, look after you and your children and let him choose to fall flat on his face if he so chooses to do so, holding him afloat only prolongs the agony for all of you.

Above all stick with the forum and keep learning

Jenny x