Thank you for your kind words on my post, its appreciated. Being in between, on reflection was one of the most difficult phases for me. The deep down feeling that it was never going to work, that all trust was destroyed and just generally feeling emotionally unsafe around him. At the same time, not wanting to really believe that love could not conquer all and the guilty feeling that I was deserting a sinking ship.
I have been through many phases where I have been unable to post or have felt like to continue to post was almost prolonging my own agony, I guess it was the rawness of it all at the time. Worse still I suppose that now I had changed my views on how I had handled certain things and began to form opinions on what I could have done differently then that sometimes led to a thought that maybe it could work and that I feel was unsafe for me.
Now I feel more able to post now and again and try to remember those who posted to me at times when they to were going through hell.
I think the only thing that really moved me out of the in between phase was a concerted effort to practice what I had learned, in particular the temptation to stay in, not to socialise, these were things that I felt like doing but had learned were not good for me.
I had to force myself to look up my friends, go out, get into better routines at home, focus on the boys etc, none of it came easily and seemed like hard work
Slowly it worked and I now practice even now the art of continuing to look after me. The more time I spent in the company of nice, funny uncomplicated people the more it hit home to me just how wrong everything had been and that had almost become my normal.
I guess as we go forward we realise what is really important, chasing the ever illusive recovery of another or making the most of what we actually have and what is tangible and the knowledge that the way to change the situation may mean that we sometimes have to make painful decisions in order to gain a better future.
I could not go back now even if I wanted to, it is no longer within me to do it and I have no desire, I often wonder what I was doing there in the first place or whether I had a knock on the head at some stage.
Hopeful you may feel in between right now but filling this void up with things, if you can, leaves far less empty spaces for sadness until eventually there will be no room left for it at all.
You will get to the other side and I’m sure you will be a different and stronger person when you get there to when you started your journey. It takes time but also a good deal of effort in times when we find it easier just to hide from the world.
I think when the decision is made then sometimes it is a case of ploughing ahead regardless even though its more like a snow plough in a bad blizzard !!
Any way thanks again for your post and keep at it, one foot in front of the other, in your own time.
Jenny x