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Hi Janel
The gradual dawning of your husband’s addiction is very familiar. I believe that all CGs start off innocently doing what so many others do without any harm, they can have no idea that addiction is waiting for them and it is not until they are in deep that those around them sense that all is not well. By then of course the CG has adopted a cycle of behaviour that feeds the addiction – they use lies and deceit to cover their actions in the hope that they can carry on as they been doing since their first loss – after all the big win must be on the way.
Non–CGs struggle with understanding the lack of logic and reason that comes with an addiction that losses money as a matter of course and much time and energy is wasted trying to make sense of the senseless. Compulsive gambling has nothing to do with money as non-CGs see it, money is only a means to an end – it is the actual ‘gamble’ that causes the damage and ruins the mind of the CG, not the loss of money. A CG will talk of ‘winning’ but there is no euphoria in the so-called win because it only excites the addicted brain, giving the CG the means to gamble more – until all is finally lost.
It is sad that the arrival of a baby does not stop a CG gambling but often speeds up the addiction as the CG struggles to cope with the responsibility of another life while feeling unable to control their own. I suspect you already feel you have 2 babies to care for and nobody to care about you and I am afraid that will continue until true change occurs.
I would not be writing to you now if I didn’t ‘know’ that the addiction to gamble can be controlled; your husband can change and live a very full and wonderful life – however a change is necessary and without it, his addiction will get worse.
I do not doubt that your husband is a good man; unfortunately he is a man with a terrible addiction and for a while anyway your future will be difficult. Don’t let his addiction steal ‘your’ beautiful memories of your daughter, if you allow that to happen the addiction will have gained another victim and I want you to deny it that victory.
I am not going to overload you – I know only too well the feeling of floating outside of yourself and a seeming inability to grasp what is going on. I am going to bring up my thread for you entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ so that you can see that you are understood.
I have a group tomorrow evening 20.00-21.00 hours UK time – if you would like to join me, you would be very welcome. We communicate in real time and nothing that is said in the group appears on the forum.
Your husband should have been to GA by now and I would be interested in what, if anything, he told you. Many CGs do not want to talk about their early confrontations with their addiction but some do – I cannot tell you what to do but I believe that listening is more important at this time than questioning, however it will be his actions and behaviour that have greater meaning than any words.
There is so much more to say that will support you but I will leave it there for now