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Ask anyone who is gf and they will say they had thousands of relapses before the last quit was the quit. Different for everyone and I certainly relapsed many many times. but for me, it was hitting a prolonged rock bottom that I thought was the end. We risk our sanity and for what? Nada.
I think you explain very well the what ifs and beating ourselves up we do after a relapse.
Happy New gf 2019 Jen!