“Just because you have made some small changes in how you are looking after you doesn’t automatically follow that you will gain positive responses from him in between”
Wow – just that alone was so helpful – how funny is it I can see all the problems and solutions in others lives (Im a therapist) but not my own?
Your post was powerful and spot on – you really seem to “get” me and my situation. Yes, he is not gambling, but yes his addictive traits that got him there in the first place are still alive and well. He is so unaware of what he is doing it astounds me – He hostility towards me crops up all the time in nasty comments or just plain dumb actions.
Example: We have had this issue with him trying to have non-consentual sex with me while Im asleep. (insert raised eyebrow here – I know) We sleep apart – 4 months now. So what does he do this am? 8am, he sneaks into my room, (waking me up), climbs into bed with me – I ask why is he doing this? “Oh, I though we would make a small step forward and Im not going to do anything to you” What?? He wakes me up, terrifies me by getting into bed with me and then tries to defend this –
I calmly confronted him about his behavior and he agreed yes, he was selfish, yes it wasn’t going to bring us closer and yes he knew it would upset me when he was doing it but did it anyway – that sounds like addictive behavior I told him…he agreed.
He is so confused – he really is trying – therapy 2x a week and SA and GA groups. But like you and others have said, his issues are deep seated and will take a long time (if ever) to get better.
I am not focusing on him though – bc I know that won’t work. I feel stronger every day and the support I get here from lovely people such as yourself has been, well, transforming…
Thank you for the reality check by saying “I am not praying for you” – telling me I need to make the changes and not expect them to happen by prayer, magic etc.
I am hanging in there and trying to move forward despite my CG’s continued issues and continued ways to try and unconsciously sabotage things. Like you said, I am keeping my eyes ahead . I am not sure where I am going, but I know I won’t be taken advantage of, lied to or used any more.
Thank you for being there for me –