Hi Jenny
Your ex may be trying to confuse you, but equally he may not be able to understand your problem with his parents because it doesn’t fit in with his selfish needs – he probably thinks (and in all probability may be right) that he is the root cause of the problems with them and that is a responsibility he is unwilling to shoulder – yet.
His call a few hours later suggests to you that he is just papering over in the hope his previous behaviour is forgotten but I also believe that he could genuinely have forgotten as his addiction distorted mind has moved on.
Lying is symptomatic of the addiction to gamble and it is common for CGs to lie to each other – particularly when they are trying to convince them that they are not the one at fault. This is why I believe it is important to leave what he says in his meeting to the rest of his group and not over-analyse why he has such a problem with truth. Other CGs, particularly those who are really trying to change are not fooled by the lies of another CG. I know, for instance, that my CG lied about me for a long time after he went into rehab and although his lies were not believed, his lying was understood. This was one of the things he told me much later to help me understand. Please be careful about listening to any other member of his group and without judgement, never forget that the person you are speaking to is in that group.
You are not a fool Jenny however much your ex’s addiction would like you to believe that you are. Things can be better and he can ‘grow up’ but to avoid more disappointments it is important that you get on with your life without allowing his addiction to spoil it.
When you change it is difficult for those around you to accept the change – they are used to you being as always and there seems to be a human desire to bring you back to who ‘they’ think you really are. It takes time, energy and masses of determination to stick up for the person you want to be, the person you really are – the person who rejects addiction. I believe your ex is confused too – ‘what has happened to dear old Jenny?’ A couple of hours later he tries again but ‘stone the crows me she isn’t falling for it!’ An addiction doesn’t give up easily – it thinks it knows you and can bring you back with the right word here and the right amount of ‘look at how sad I am’ there.
His addiction doesn’t know you Jenny, you really are stronger than it is – you are just a bit battle weary, actually more than a bit but however battle weary you are, you are definitely not down and out. You have a strength as yet untouched and it is getting stronger – you can win, you must win for your children, for you and ultimately for your ex.
I know your heart feels broken Jenny but it is only being stretched to its limits; be positive; gird up your loins; just for today believe in yourself; this horrible time will pass – if it wasn’t true, I would not be here.
V
