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Hi John, I have been reading through your thread. I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. I have lost my mom more that two years ago, and it has been a struggle recovering from the loss and recovering from compulsive gambling at the same time. I also know that it wasn’t just her loss I was recovering from but the days and years leading up to her death. She had dementia so I was her caregiver, but I also witnessed her steadily decline. Each change for the worse, was a loss for me along the way. This may be the same for you. It’s not just the loss of your mom, but the entire ordeal, from the time you learned she had cancer to when you lost her. This takes a lot out of a person. After my mom passed, it felt like I was going through a series of after shocks. I still wonder how I was able to get through those final days.
I am sharing because I wonder if you might be experiencing the same. Every one is different.
I do see a similarity in that I see, like me, your tendency to be hard on yourself. I can tell you not to do that, but it probably will take some time for you to come around. I also see a similarity in your desire to change and rebuild your life…and to do it now. The problem with that is, every time I have a bit too much to drink, or lash out at my husband, or fail to start exercising yet again, or I don’t see any improvement in our finances, I think…what’s the use, I will never change and my life will never change.
You have a strong desire to rebuild your life and that is why you are going to do it. It will happen, but it might not happen over night. Be patient, take it one day at a time, one baby step at a time. We are all a work in progress. I can honestly say my life is better than it was two years ago, although I do wish I had gone to see a counselor.
Kind of a long post. I said something like this to Micky, and it applies to you. It takes great courage to see our weaknesses, the areas of our lives we wish to change and then take the steps necessary to make those changes. You are doing that…you are rebuilding your life one step at a time, one day at a time. I applaud you!!! Bravo!!!