#2993
velvet
Moderator

Hi KB
I think you have made a brilliant start on handling this unwelcome responsibility in your life by starting your thread and making such mature decisions on your finances.
It is your husband’s addiction that is making him angry – it will seek to blame anyone but your husband. To take responsibility for his poor behaviour, he will have to face his demons and he will put that off as long as he can – that is the nature of the beast. As the person who loves him and is closest to him, you will be the target for his addiction to blame.

A coping mechanism that has worked for many to communicate with an active CG without losing their cool is to imagine his addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although forever watchful. This method is not recognised professionally but I often pass it on as many F&F have said it worked for them and that includes me.

It is important for your state of mind to remember that your husband is controlled by that addiction but you are not. When you threaten his addiction, it comes between you and from then on it can take control because it is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not. Once it is between you, you will only hear his addiction speak. Your husband will hear a distortion of your words as though they have passed through water making him unable to comprehend their meaning. It is an addiction that breathes lies and deceit and it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralise you.

My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that I loved him and that he was capable of good things, his addiction distorted his mind into hearing that I was lying to him – how could I be telling the truth when his addiction had convinced him he was unlovable, worthless and a failure. However much your husband convinces you that he is in control – he is not. You are hurting his addiction, not his ego but until he determines to change his life around, his addiction will not allow him to give credit to your actions.

I am aware that self-esteem and confidence can be totally knocked out of you when this addiction enters your life. I am sure you have asked yourself; ‘how come you could have married him, loving him so much and you didn’t know?’ It is so important to understand how devious this addiction is and to know, without a shadow of doubt that you are in no way to blame and nothing you could have done would have made any difference.

I would not be writing on here if I did not know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result. I unwittingly enabled my CG for 23 years and then spent 2 years in a miasma of confusion and doubt. My CG now lives in control of his addiction and it is that positive message that I would seek to get over to your husband.

Your husband did not ask for, or want, his addiction anymore than you want it in your life. He would have indulged in what he considered a harmless, fun thing to do when he placed his first bet – he was not to know that addiction was waiting for him.

You are doing great with the finances. It’s common for CGs to feel less of a person when their loved one tries to support as you are doing. Perhaps you could Google information on pre-paid credit / debit cards. I don’t know if you can get the following link where you are but if not I would imagine there are similar cards in the US.
http://www.moneysupermarket.com/prepaid-cards/?source=GOO-007D26D8&p=0&mckv=sLeU1qXGi_pcrid_23488468627_mtype_e_kword_prepaid%20debit%20cards_2764ri918980&uuid=f463e468-0bd3-44eb-98a5-e41b0264a42a&Device=c&gclid=COOLnvut_boCFUrJtAod9VwAiw

There is so much more to say but I will leave it there for now. Ask anything you want to ask, feel free to vent your feelings, there is no judgement on this site, only understanding.

Please look at the times of F&F groups – we communicate in real time and nothing said in the group appears on the forum. I would be pleased to ‘see’ you.

You have really well stretching out your hand for support. I will walk with you for as long as you want me to.

Velvet