Hi Madge
It only takes a little bit of light to make a enormous difference to what you can see.
‘You have turned a ridiculous game into a positive step and each tiny step will take you closer to your goal – even if are not 100% sure what your goal is yet. You are moving in the right direction. This new behaviour is doing something right for the right reason – great.
In many ways the F&F has a similar road to take to the CG when they want recovery. They have to tip old behaviour out of their clouded minds, leaving room for new thoughts that lead to new behaviour. It takes others to support in the tipping and there is no shame in that. The more we listen the more we learn to tip and the more clarity comes to our over-worked and sadly distorted brains. How well you describe this when you say ‘I feel even this tiny shift has given me room to breathe…much needed room’.
It is difficult to draw back from everybody else’s problems when you are the mother and wife in a family with so many problems in it but in my opinion, if we take on everybody else’s problems we over-load and help nobody. I used to think of myself as the foundation on which the whole structure of my family depended – eventually the foundation didn’t just crumble it imploded and turned to dust. There was a lot of debris flying around for a while, quite a long while in fact and I couldn’t see through it – but then as it began to settle and I saw light through the haze I saw my family not just managing but succeeding – they were supporting themselves.
I don’t believe there is a necessity to implode; I think that tiny steps towards keeping the foundation in good repair are what is needed. It seems to me by standing back and letting your husband work something out for himself has helped you repair a little.
The light you can see will only be false hope if you blow it out. Fan the flames M, a little at a time – success is not the result of spontaneous combustion, you must set yourself on fire first’. Once you have taken a step forward don’t look back but let the success of that step fill you with renewed hope and then when you are ready (and not before) take another step. Nobody can judge the speed you should go at – whatever feels safe and liberating to you is right.
I don’t wonder why it took me so long to ‘get the message’ or how I ended up in the middle of a cycle of addiction – I am just relieved that I came through it in the end. While we are analysing the whys and wherefores we often waste time thinking of ‘today’ and that is all that really matters.
You can rest assured that those of us who are willing you on will hold your hand and rejoice at every step.