I am being completely honest when I say I have often started writing you, to only stop. I feel like everything I want to write will only upset you, but if you take one thing I write I feel it will be all worth it.
As you know my father is a cg and I have lived with this addiction for so long. My mother did her very best, as you, to shield me from it; but of course, as the years passed, and the older I got, the more I was able to piece things that weren’t as obvious as before.
I didn’t even have to hear the fights anymore, to know that my parents were fighting, or that my mother was upset. I could read it from her body language, and their silent treatment, and their superficial talks, about how work was and how beautiful it was outside, just to fill the void. Your children learn from you and your husband. You are their first teachers and what is happening at your house with the disrespect is not normal. I went back reading your earlier posts and reading how your daughter could ever tell you to shut-up is only a reflection of what she sees. Again, please bear with me, I am not trying to hurt you, just for you to reflect and be the change you need in your house.
This addiction is nothing to downplay as the other ones your husband has. Don’t let love blind you of just accepting this as loving your husband. I don’t like saying this, but the addiction is playing you well, it knows that you are afraid of it, but of course this can change.
I know from hard experience, despite your very best intentions of wanting to prevent your husband from gambling, like hiding his keys, in the long run it will always be futile because the addiction will always find a way to gamble. You will only run yourself ragged, and in the end all your efforts will be in vain and you will suffer a breakdown. Who will be there to take care of you?
What I highly suggest is for you to really start your recovery and please stop sticking to the idea that you will never divorce your husband, this is unnecessary stress. No one can say this, and I would never say this either. I have been married just as long as you and have two children. I love my husband but I know never to say never.
When you are in true recovery, it is liberating, you feel this excitement that you are getting yourself together, you are not afraid of what the future holds, you start seeing things differently, and you feel better about your life. Divorce shouldn’t even be an issue at this time; you just need to heal your troubled heart and soul. You owe yourself everything; you were not made to fix anyone’s life, but yourself. Don’t take the burden for doing for others, this includes your children. Love yourself Madge to want a better life.
What I wrote is from my heart and means no disrespect towards you. I hope you see this.