I am concerned that I might be repeating myself but I am sorry I am trying to catch up and don’t have time to look back. Unfortunately the new site has not learned that asterisks are not necessary for the letters ‘l i e’ so I have edited and hopefully this post will make sense.
You ask ‘WHY WHY does he have to l i e?’ It all starts, I bel ie ve, because the CG is emotionally immature. Like a child, when your husband was caught out in bad behaviour he would have l ie d to cover for something he had done but did not understand. It is quite likely that the person to whom he l ied backed off because the l i es were so extreme, unnecessary and imaginative. The CG’s inability to reason and rationalise causes them to use l i es again as a coping mechanism – how else can they explain the irrational. This goes on and on until it becomes the norm for the CG. After years the CG has no memory that is a true memory, their memory is all wrapped up and encased in a mesh of l i es. The CG’s l i es become their truth.
However, knowing all this will not help you stop crying. I do relate to your feeling of going crazy, I can relate to everything you have described. I know you are not crazy and you are not pathetic but I know how vivid these feelings are to you and I bel i eve that ‘you’ need physical support. It is amazing how long the rope is, even when you feel that you have been dangling on the end of it for as long as you can remember, just dangling there is enough to destroy your confidence.
I think that San’s suggestion of a break for you is good, cutting the rope and allowing yourself some space – is it difficult with your children?
In my opinion, your husband is not responding as he should and I am not surprised you have a problem with intimacy.
Have you seen anything positive coming out of his visits to therapists?
Sometimes Madge, estrangement is the only way forward but I am not suggesting that is definitely so for you. It is important, I think, that you have time and space to think quietly what it is that you want. You are not being given that time living in the middle of your husband’s addiction; I suspect you are only hearing white noise. It might be that your husband does not truly want to change his life, if might be that he cannot. It might even be that unwittingly and through no fault of your own, you are cushioning him against changing his life – a break from the intensity would help.
I appreciate the depth you feel at, at the moment and the feeling of being unable to function properly. I hope it helps to know that others have been where you are now and they are there no longer. Try and make it possible for ‘you’ to have the chance to think. You can do it Madge. The Mixed Martial Arts fighter is there. Dig deep and make a push towards freeing you up.
You can do it