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Hi Monicau,

Thanks for reading my thoughts and for letting me know that they made you feel a little better. That means the world to me. I’m not sure exactly why I lost my job but I ‘m assuming it’s because I wasn’t working hard enough or fast enough or this boss just didn’t like me. Either way I need to suck it up, brush myself off, and move forward and just try harder on the next project.
I love the 12 steps, I love GA, and I love sponsors. I’m not for one second saying GA, the 12 steps, or anything like that is negative in any way. Of course not. I have been going to GA for 7 years now. The problem is that when I left GA I was still in my body and still had my problems. I felt like I was a burden to my sponsor as I bugged then at all minutes of the day. I felt like I was just talking and talking and not doing any heeling.
I am in a different place though. Similar to you. Gambling actually not only ruined us financially and mentally… but it took a physical toll on both of us. I think when you this rock bottom it sort of puts things in perspective… You realize that just being alive and being able to breathe normally, walk without pain, get out of bed without pain, get off the toilet without pain, etc.
That being said I still attend GA meetings. I should probably go more not just for myself but to help others if they can somehow benefit from my betting history. I would like to be a sponsor if that was ever in the cards. I feel that I have things to share.
You seem like a great person! I know you’re struggling right now and it’s hard for me not to be able to give you a hug. No doubt that you are going through some serious stuff right now. Perhaps more serious than most. But I can also tell that you are a strong person… You may feel weak right now or this last two months but that’s not who you are. You are strong… You have much to offer. Your family needs you although you may not feel it all the time… They do. Trust me. They also believe in you… I have to keep reminding myself that it’s all about baby steps. baby steps. baby steps.
I have a smoking marijuana problem. I need to address it at some point. I used to smoke cigarettes but also quit that when I had the surgery 10 months ago. I had one last night when I lost my job with my brother and my lungs have been burning all day from just that one. Ouch… My vice is definitely weed.
I’m not surprised the 12 steps are painful. Things that are hart never aren’t. Nothing worth accomplishing is usually easy or pain free. Not like gambling which masks the pain but hurts worse in the long run. I have faith and believe in you and hope I can now call you my friend.