Hi Muchelle
Nomore and Jenny have given you really constructive replies. I think I will probably ‘chat’ to you later today but I wanted to put my pennyworth in anyway.
All the conversations in your head were good – none of the options were to enable and you made your informed decision – I cannot see any dishonesty on your part. If you had told him that you had paid the balance and all he had to do was cough up 2 instalments, it would have been enablement but it seems to me you paid the balance so that you and your daughter could have a well-deserved holiday.
It is probably what happens next that determines whether you have changed anything or not. . You have agreed that he can pay you in a couple of instalments but this has not happened yet – what would be good for you to know before this happens, or not, is whether you ‘want’ him to pay. Tough call
I don’t believe that happy families is a game that can be played when an addiction is active in the middle of it BUT it is you that has to live with the outcome. I tried for far too long to incorporate the addiction in my family believing that love would conquer all and regardless of what was staring me in the face; I had to learn it was always an impossible dream.
We all made mistakes with this addiction Michelle, some enablement is obvious, other enablement is harder to see. I know how hard you are working to get through this experience and I know you can come out on the other side but I know how hard it is to do so. It probably feels as though you are taking 2 steps forward and 3 back but this whole post says that you are more aware and that you are seeing the addiction for what it is. Ok so you had a hiccough agreeing that he could pay the balance but you are a good loving person who reacted on instinct and you are not thick skinned – this does not mean he can do with you as he wishes.
Know what you want, know what you will allow and build your barrier accordingly.
Hopefully speak later
Velvet
