Hi Sad and Confused
In my opinion when a CG ’wins’ they lose so much more. The addiction breathes freely and grows rapidly, behaviour deteriorates at an alarming rate and little, if anything, can be done to get through to the CG.
I can’t tell you what to do because there is no way of knowing how an active gambling addict will react. My first thought if he entrusted his money to someone else was that, that person would have a terrible time in the future when your spouse tried to get the money back following the inevitably heavy losses, however, I cannot know that this would definitely be the case. I do believe that if you follow this course, however, the person you chose to help you will have to have a really strong will, able to withstand abuse, cajoling, pleading and threats because this addiction is divisive and powerful.
Are you still living with your spouse? Can his financial position hurt you? If you are living apart then, in my opinion, leaving him alone to crash might be your best option – this is easier to do when the CG is not in your face all day long.
Enabling is allowing the addiction of another to control ‘your’ life. It is giving money to a person who does not see money as you do; a CG sees money as a means to an end – the end being the ‘gamble’. To clear the debt of a CG is to enable because that only wipes the slate clean temporarily without the CG taking responsibility. Covering for an addiction that thrives on secrecy is enabling.
In my opinion the best way you can help your spouse is to look after yourself. This works because no matter whether he wants a relationship, or not, he will not deliberately want to hurt you – he will not want you to be part of the wreckage of his addiction when he eventually determines to change his life. If you are showing concern for him then he can blame you for his behaviour, if you are getting on with your life and allowing him to do what he wants to do then you cannot be to blame.
I am wondering how old your spouse is because young people often do not appreciate the depths their addiction can and will take them to.
What made your spouse stop gambling in the past? Did he seek help or did he think he could beat his addiction on his own? It is recognised on this site that CGs need the right support if they are to live in control of their addiction, abstinence is not recovery.
I will leave it there and wait for your reply. There is an F&F group next Tuesday 20th 20.00-21.00 hours UK time and you would be very welcome – it is good to communicate in real time and you would be very welcome.
In the meantime I do hope your Christmas is not marred by your spouse’s addiction although I appreciate that this may be difficult. I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled but I do know that ‘you’ do not have to live in its shadow. Do things for ‘you’ over Christmas, see friends, indulge in hobbies – all things that get left behind when addiction is in your life.
Speak soon
Velvet
