Hi Sade
You can communicate with me in real time at 10am Hawaiian time on Thursday and I look forward to talking to you. I found your time zone by clicking on Forums at the top of this page and then clicking on ‘The Meeting Place’ forum. The first post from Harry gives the link.
Don’t worry about being stuck in your thoughts and actions – it is better to stand still at such times until you know which way forward is right for you.
I said to you in my last post that it is better to leave information lying around than to make verbal approaches that threaten your bf’s addiction and I hope the following will explain understand why I said that and help you cope a little better until I can answer your direct questions.
It is not recognized professionally but the following is a coping method that many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery to help us cope.
Imagine your bf’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although it never sleeps.
Your bf is controlled by that addiction but you are not. When you threaten that addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument. His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation which you are not and nor do you want to be. Once the addiction beast is between you, you will only hear that addiction speak and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your bf cannot comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t lie but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind convincing him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction to gamble only offers failure to those who sadly own it.
I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he/she is different. I think it is good, although difficult, to not ‘try’ and believe the CG because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your bf is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope with your children and make the right decisions for your relationship. One of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
It will be great to communicate with you in real time and although I cannot tell you what to do – because all decisions you make have to be ‘yours’, I will answer your questions honestly.
Velvet