Hi San
Members who come out from the shadow of the addiction usually move on and no longer post which is unfortunate for new members who cannot read the successful outcomes. What I can tell you is that I have known quite a few people who have separated and reconnected and gone on to wonderful lives but I would be doing you a disservice if I did not also say that I have known many people who have not gone on to a future with their compulsive gambler (CG) loved one.
I have found your post to be really enlightened and I commend the way you have handled your situation. You have been brutally honest in recognising that your presence in the life of your loved one was probably/possibly enabling him – I know the pain that comes from such a realisation. In my opinion, those who love CGs cannot help but have the belief, during a very painful experience, that love will conquer all, which makes it unbelievably difficult to walk away.
The loving texts are hard to bear but harder still are the unpleasant ones where blame is heaped on you that you don’t deserve. Understanding why your partner blames everybody, especially you for his pain might help. To protect himself and his addiction he will not, cannot, take responsibility for his behaviour without accepting he is out of control and it appears your partner is not ready to fully accept this yet so he blames you.
When you say his mother is the infinite enabler, I take it that you are not able to talk to her in a way she will understand or want to understand. Unfortunately if she is in denial of her son’s problem, she is not helping him but unless you can persuade her to seek support and knowledge for herself there is little you can do. It is sad but while your partner is behaving as he is, he is not your best friend and it is best, I think, to view anything he says with suspicion, including any supposed guilt or stress over the debts he is running up, certainly with his mother. I learned from my CG, after he had taken control of his addiction that any thought I had about him feeling guilty about me, while he was actively gambling, was just me hoping for a glimmer of care and had no basis in fact.
I wouldn’t be here writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled but the only person who can take that control is the CG.
It would be good to talk to you in a group San – my group tomorrow is 22.00 -2300 hours UK time which I think is 5pm where you are.
Well done starting your thread
Speak soon