Hi San

I loved the guts and verve in your ‘two fingers’ post but I also sense the belief that you think that what you want will always be just beyond you.

You are right that you are doing everything you can to support your son and not his addiction but I know you want more.

I don’t think we can, or should, waste our energy comparing separating from partners/husbands to separating from son/daughter/father but I do know there is a difference. I also believe we do not own our children and from everything you have ever written I know you have done everything you could for all your children. My son told me that there was nothing I could have done that would have changed the way it was/is for him – nothing I had said, thought, acted on would have made a scrap of difference. After much soul-searching I believe this to be true because he is the only one who held the answers that no one else could give with such conviction..

Confused by his active addiction your son cannot give you the closure you want but you can have small closures along the way such as knowing that you have given him the seeds to plant and told him where they will grow when he is ready. You have acted as the most loving mother and now it is down to him.

There can never be complete closure for us,or our sons; they will always be compulsive gamblers so it is important to look for the light bulb moments, that make a difference to us, on your way. It is important to look at your other children, your partner and your friends. It is important to look after your health for your own sake and all who love you.

I cannot give you what you want to hear most but I can repeat again that I would not be here if I did not ‘know’ that the addiction to gamble can be controlled.

I know you son is younger than mine was when he changed his life but I am sure your awareness and your determination to find out all you can about what is hurting him and why, will keep you in good stead until he is ready. I did enable and I am sure my ignorance contributed to the length of time it took for him to change. Keep those two fingers held high to the addiction; you are standing shoulder to shoulder with your son when you do it, not against him.

I am sure we will talk again soon

You are allowing him the space to find his way, that is not leaving him.