Hi, San. I am sorry to hear about the hard things that you are having to cope with, especially in regard to your partner. I am glad to see your recent posts, though, as I have wondered how you are doing. I hope that you get some encouraging news regarding your partner’s health and treatment.
I agree you sound strong as you are maintaining in the face of what has to be (still) difficult. It seems that the focus of the difficulty changes, though we may be more able to manage our response, as we ourselves learn and grow, and I guess accept or understand better.
I don’t disagree with anything said, but your mention about the emotional blackmail (conversation) struck a bit of a different chord with me. For some reason, things make more sense to me when I hear myself saying them out loud. Obviously, in the appropriate conversation, not just talking to myself. So while I can understand/agree that maybe it doesn’t go anywhere or get understood by the active CG, I found that it strengthened me to say some of what I was starting to understand. I think it helped my understanding, too. That may very well be a limited periof, though, as I haven’t had contact for well over a year now and even before that I had come to realize that any “communication” would end up breaking down to unhealthy if I didn’t “listen” and respect my own boundary, as you point out, when CG won’t. I found the attempt helpful to me for a time and I like to think that someday, in some way, maybe that thing we mention might be a seed that will bear later on, even if we are long gone from the scene.
Anyway, I am glad to see you are there still, and sending you wishes for strength and health and as much peace as possible in all the circumstances you are faced with.