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Hi Sherrie
I can sense you are in a lot of pain right now.
Well done on coming and writing on your journal. This is the first step to fixing things.
Perhaps you could go to live support here or elsewhere also.

Whatever mess you have made there will be a way through it . Can you check if there is a group and maybe go to that?

Things will get better even if it doesn’t seem like that right now.
Hugs xx