Hi sjb
I believe you are struggling because you are no longer living in the shadow of your husband’s addiction but you know he is, however, there should be no guilt because you are not responsible for, nor the cause of, his inability to see the line.
Your husband’s head is full of addiction which leaves no room for good, honest, true thought. He has been living in his cocoon of addiction for so long that his lies have become the only truth he knows; he doesn’t want to listen yet, or face the demons that possess him and sadly no amount of trying to make him see, will open his blinkered eyes.
There is a line for your husband, just as I believe there is a line for all of us but his addiction has tenacity and he doesn’t want to break free and cross that line yet but if/when he did decide to try, your happiness ‘will’ matter, whatever happens between now then and however long it takes. You have chosen the freedom to become the person you want to be and raise your children without addiction hurting all your lives – carry on with that and don’t look back. No ‘what if’s’ or ‘if onlys’ – they only slow your progress.
Rock bottom is a state of mind – the line is invisible. Your husband will be afraid of the consequences of his behaviour preferring to believe in what he thinks is the easier course – that his addiction will look after him. It is only when the CG is in control of his/her addiction that consequences are faced and I think we can only scratch the edge of understanding how difficult and frightening it must be to face such wreckage, not just of their own lives but the lives of all those who love them and who care about them.
My CG lost his family and everything else he owned but still it was not enough to stop his addiction and he spiralled into depths of which I have no knowledge. Why he eventually changed I have no idea but when he did, I too had changed – I had begun to grow into the person who can write like this to you now. It would be wrong to surmise if, or when, your husband will change but I do know that whatever the future holds for both of you – your happiness is something to embrace and never to feel guilty about – for both your sakes.
Keep posting and please pop into a group and say hi in real time. You are doing well – probably better than you realise but it does take time.