Hi Velvet! I read your reply and it was good to just hear from someone. I started to rely last evening but then thought I just wanted to think on what you said,plus got busy with “problems” as per usual. I’m not sure whether I interpreted your response completely correctly, in this case (my relationship with CG) I have experienced malice (aka punishment) from not obeying (doing what is demanded of me). Unfortunately, the situation actually started in 1998 and I knew absolutely NOTHING about “gambling problems”. Once I became aware (after he filed THIS divorce) of THE PROBLEM, I still had no idea that everything I have been/am experiencing is actually “known”, at least on the surface.

I don’t expect anyone to necessarily comment on the political or legal stuff … we are required to take a “U.S. Govt” class in high school prior to graduation … I had no exposure to Courts other than for traffic ticket … nothing prepared me for being forced to stand “civilly” while my life is dismantled, my possessions and assets squandered on what turned out were unnecessary (but costly) legal fees, or just taken from me and given to ex-in-laws, all because I was left without funds to leave or remove them to another place.

🙂 Anyway, I read and thoroughly understand (and enjoy) Jonathan Swift’s writing on the matter of attorneys and Courts … it is as applicable today as when he wrote it hundreds of years ago …

It would take too long and accomplish nothing much to explain what I have learned … despite the numerous “advocacy agencies” and “help lines”, when it gets to the nitty gritty, there are no resources here to assist the families … and those associated with the Court system seem pretty ignorant about CG … although I did read that there is now a special Court in at least one state which addresses CG in cases where a criminal defendant suffers with it.

My whole complaint is that the roads, like legal gambling, are operated and etc under the auspices of the state … if there is a giant pothole, I can report it. It’s not that difficult. If the state doesn’t repair or warn of the hazard, people whose cars are damaged can file claims. I can’t figure out who or how a person is supposed to “complain” or report problems related to CG, especially when it pertains to a partner (or relative). Because of the number of efforts I’ve made and my level of intelligence, I’m “guessing” that complaints are not to be made …. “please play responsibly” being the level of “public awareness” that is supposed to suffice for the CG and unwitting relatives.

I hope this doesn’t come across wrong (any of my reply) but I AM about at the endof the rope. I had doctor appointment Monday, then went to the Court to see what I could learn about my money being seized … turns out I was supposed to be there for a hearing, earlier. For some unknown reason, all of my mail is being returned, even though I filed a confirmed change of address. And I had shown up for the initial meeting when I was sued by the creditor, explained my situation and that I had no income except for the disability. That happened the same day I had to be in Court later to get thrown out, with no place to go and no real funds. Once I was able to access the case, I went on-line to see what has happened. From what I can tell, funds were taken even before the creditor had answers … though the Court records showed I’d been there to the meeting (hearing). I tried to work with all the creditors and have effectively been a hostage for the four years before being thrown out. I called and met with reputable credit counselor well before finances were as terrible as they have gotten. I knew we couldn’t afford attorneys for the divorce and told the Court so … but I was forced to hire one; especially as the first thing his attorney did was file for an “emergency custody change” on accusing me of abusing our 17 year old … it wouldn’t matter what the truth was, then any more than now … as the whole thing was done to get me out, immediately, no matter the cost or consequences to me.

Sure, I am angry … I’ve been locked up several times under false pretenses, misdiagnosed with diseases I never had, had to pay for “treatment” for said diseases, have been deprived of children and assets … even a place to stay, twice before this time …. and have physical and very painful side effects that are likely going to last the rest of my life, from treatment I didn’t need. I was forced to come back to a relationship under what I now know were false pretenses, designed ONLY to protect his access to funds …

… it makes me angry to listen to a “victim’s advocate” (more than one) to tell me to “get on with my life” … a life that has been taken, even more than once … and I am supposed to start again, less than zero … and it turns out that all these “professionals” were wrong … “mistakes” continue, yet I (and my daughters) are the only ones who get to be accountable for the consequences of others’ “mistakes”.

Last night, I learned my account was -$25. Today, it was -$65. I won’t have money for two more weeks and none of this months bills are paid except the rent. There’s snow and tonight the wind chill down to the -20s, so I can’t even go look for cans. My phone has no minutes … sort of hard to hope to get a job, especially since that money will only get taken … and the car insurance DIDN’T get paid. In fact, a subscription I had made to try to get some legal information (and which was cancelled, per the representative months ago – I found the e-mail) has been getting charged. I feel sick and there is NOWHERE to turn.

On therapy … I had actually stopped going for about 2 years, until all this blew up with the affair with the nurse and the divorce being filed. I don’t have a problem with the therapist; it is actually difficult to find a good, knowledgeable one (in my experience). But there are things that therapy can’t really help with … and I think there are some problems that we are not meant to “cope” with. There have to be other actions as well as going to therapy, if there is going to be any change for the better. I am only one human and I have been doing everything I can, know how to do and have been forced or taken the initiative to try to deal with things I DON’T know … like repairing my car, finding ways to scrape up extra money when not having reliable transportation or gas money.

People tell me “he’ll get his” one day … like how is that supposed to help? I am not interested in revenge or hurting others … when I knew that he was not interested in reconciling or facing himself/problem, I merely wanted to get on with my life, but in a rational fashion, not being thrown out on demand. That is not unreasonable. Whether his intent is malicious or merely irresponsible (don’t know that’s the right word) doesn’t really matter, the results of his actions … totally unnecessary actions … have seriously damaged my life, the lives of our daughters as we WILL have to deal with those damages likely for years to come.

I just feel as if I am being buried alive and it must all be kept “hush hush” to protect the gambling industry. THAT is what I am most angry about … and if the state (gov’t) wasn’t getting a cut of the profits, I am positive there’d be a much different perspective and actions … and I guess that is likely the case, no matter what country we live in. I’m not trying to politicize the matter, only to make sense of what is otherwise incomprehensible.

Mostly, I am just tired …. extremely tired and feel like I am being tortured, more or less. It doesn’t matter what I do or how hard and long I work; it’s to no avail.

Velvet, I am just glad of your reply. Lately, I have felt like I really don’t even exist, other than as something to squeeze a few more dollars out of … that makes me want to cry. I see the stuff that goes “viral” and I know I don’t have “the worst” problems, but they do hurt and there seems no way out. This is going to kill me, if it doesn’t somehow ease up … soon. I’ve run out of ideas … and hope. Like the lady from Gam-anon told me on the phone when I was first grappling, (but put a bit differently) it is like trying to build a house faster than it can be burnt down. I know that’s impossible, but “the system” is forcing me to at least try … or die … or be thrown away to try to survive on a night like tonight, in the snow and in the -20 temperature range. It’s more than I can handle and here, I’m alone.