Thanks for your kind words in the early days of my recovery.
I have thought about seeking psychological help, I would like to know the underlying cause of my gambling… although i’m pretty sure I have a good idea where it all stems from.
I am the youngest of 3 children and yet I’ve always been the shoulder to cry on, the “strong” one. Not only for my brother and sister, but my parents too. Every one of them have dealt with huge issues in their life (drugs, jail time, affairs, alcoholism) and yet miraculously I did well in school and managed to pave an amazing career for myself.
By 20 I was invincible. Nice car, great job, plenty of money to enjoy by treating myself to expensive hair do’s and designer clothes etc. To everyone on the outside I had it all. Yet the second I got home, it was a different story. SO many issues with all my family members and because I was the only one that was “doing well” in life, they used me as their emotional punchbag.
I love my family to the end of the earth and back, and I would do anything to help/support them for the rest of my life. But when I look back, I know that getting into the grips of gambling was my escape from them.
Six years later and they have moved on with their lives, no more jail time, affair is forgotten, no more alcoholism or drugs etc. and yet I am still paying (in every way) for the emotional burdens I took on to help them.
They know i’m in debt because of gambling, and i’m sure they would write me a cheque if they could but that’s not the case. I don’t think they realise that being a CG is a progressive illness though; I have tried to explain many times but they cant quite grasp it.
Either way, I have decided that now is the time I be a little bit selfish and concentrate only on myself. I simply cannot take on more than is already going on in my head.
Look forward and never back.
Wealth is not measured by your bank balance
We’re here once, make it count
I cannot win because I cannot stop
For today, I will not gamble.