My hb’s gambling has certainly changed me. My trust in people -never great to begin with- has completely vanished. I show signs of PTSD due to a lot of very ugly and scary events that stretched out over many years. Nightmares, being thrown back in an instant into situations long past, the whole list of symptoms of trauma, all there.
Funny though, just like you, I have dealt with depression and anxiety since I can remember, always been my normal. The kind I deal with now is slightly different. Depression is mostly reactive and the anxiety is based on lifetime experiences. I tried therapy and meds, nothing has helped. Because no therapist or pill can change the facts. They can’t bring back my family and friends, they can’t get me out of this hated place or undo the past that is haunting me in many ways. Not so much emotional but rather situation wise.
You mentioned that you feel like the odd one out in your meetings and that is why I quit going to GamAnon. I could not relate to them and vice versa. All my life I felt like I was living on the wrong planet. I can’t wrap my mind around how others feel or think.
For many years now I have not lived but just existed. Most of the time I will not allow myself to go to certain places in my head because the pain is unbearable. So I shut that off as much as I can. It all leaves me tired and exhausted.
Cleaning out my garage could be therapeutic but then you have not seen my garage. Wouldn’t know where to start, really. 🙂
Yes, I have changed. The wounds are not bleeding anymore but the scars are there for good.
Good luck with everything!
