Hi WM
I thought I had lost this post which I wrote late last night, with the intention of checking it this morning before posting. Unfortunately I don’t have time at present to edit it so I hope it makes sense. I am sure I have repeated some of what I have just posted. but here goes……..
I sometimes feel I have two heads when it comes to the subject of sharing one’s son’s problem with the rest of the family. One head says that I think you are keeping his secret because of shame and wanting to protect him – but there is no shame to be had – your son did not ask for, or want, his addiction, nobody is to blame. Addictions thrive on secrecy and it is often better to share especially if the rest of the family might enable. Families and friends often know there is a problem but because nothing is said – they don’t tell you because they want to protect you!
My other head is the one that I had on my shoulders for 25 years, the one that said I didn’t want anybody to know what was going on in my life because it was up to me to put things right and that if I could keep it all secret knew then maybe the problem would go away and nobody need ever know.
Sharing with people who are willing to listen without judgement is a worthwhile, I think. A compulsive gambler is not a bad person although their behaviour because of the addiction, is often unacceptable. Your son probably gambled the first time, just like millions of others do, just for fun – he didn’t (and couldn’t) know that for him addiction would be the outcome. Nobody would choose to be a compulsive gambler.
One way to cope with your son’s nasty words is to imagine his addiction as a beast in the corner of the room. When you speak to him, his addiction is awake, poised and ready to jump – but as long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten it, it will stay in the corner.
Your son is controlled by his addiction but you are not; you can gain knowledge and be one step ahead. When you threaten his addiction with conditions, it can leap between you and control the conversation, probably turning it into an argument because it is the master of threats and manipulation. Once the addiction beast is roused, you will only hear his addiction speak – and because it knows only lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. His addiction will distort your words, drastically altering reality to fit his personal perception – he won’t understand what you are saying.
The addiction to gamble is an addiction of constant failure and misery so your son almost certainly believes he is worthless. Because he believes he is no good, it follows that you must be lying when you tell him you love him, or that his life would be better if he stopped gambling because why would you love someone so worthless? Believing himself to be without worth your son fights back with nasty words, distortion and deception because sadly, at the moment, he doesn’t have, or know, any other coping mechanism.
By standing back and just listening rather than trying to make him listen to you, it will hopefully become easier for you to stay out of an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side, his addiction has something to get its teeth into.
I know this all sounds a bit negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
I cannot begin to tell you how important it is to look after yourself first and that by doing so, you will become stronger. One of the best ways for you to win is not to play the game.
£60 a session is a lot of money and there is support in the UK for gamblers who have nothing. Maybe, when your son is willing to listen you could show him the GMA programme which is wonderful – there is a Q&A section on this fantastic project in a forum further down the forum’s page. I would be happy to talk about it in an F&F group or you or your son can ask any questions about dedicated counselling on our Helpline.
I hope I haven’t thrown too much at you and that you will post again. In an F&F group you can ask me anything and I will answer you to the best of my ability.
Velvet
