When I felt I was becoming powerless with a terrible anger that frightened me, I would shut myself away at and write a secret journal. I took all the pain and put it in writing, pouring it out on to the page– never to be read by anyone. I used to take all the things that had hurt me and type furiously with spelling mistakes, capital letters, underlining and strong swearing (words I have never uttered) . My fingers learned to move like wild-fire and when I had finished each session I would feel drained but there was also a feeling of release, as that particular pain was no longer whizzing round my brain causing me to lose my ability to cope. I never re-read what I had written but printed the pages off and I kept them in a secret file. I didn’t feel the need to re-read them because somewhere other than my mind my pain was held for me like an external hard-drive.
I never got round to sharing with friends – I held the secret in shame and misery. I hope you will find release in this forum and of course in the group there is complete privacy.
I understand the resolve gradual dissolving but unless resolve is held each wound will just add to all the others. I unwittingly lived with the addiction for 23 years – he told me then that he had a problem with gambling but it meant nothing and I went a further 2 years in confusion. Knowing what you are facing does make a difference. Realising how important you are and that you are not to blame in any way is paramount to ‘your’ recovery.
Your son in unhappy and he almost certainly believes that nobody understands ‘his’ misery, he will believe his unhappiness to be deeper and different to anybody else. I hope the psychiatrist has some understanding of the addiction to gamble but listen to what your son is told and make your own judgement. If you don’t hear positive action from him then look for other options. Other CGs do understand your son, which I why our groups, helpline, forum and GA are so effective.
It is ok to feel anger but it is better if it is channelled into things that will not hurt you – shouting at your son will do no good – he cannot hear.
Stick with us – keep posting, join our groups, talk to our helpline – it does make a difference.
Do you have other children? Siblings are affected by an addiction in the family and it is easy to take your eye of the ball and only see the addiction everywhere.
You are not alone Worried. I survived it and I have survived it with a vengeance. You can do it.