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#69009
izzi25
Participant

Dear Diary, If the emotions I am feeling right now would manifest from these very words then the whole world would combust! In fact I don’t even know how I am breathing and WHY FOR THE SAKE OF HUMANITY WHY I GAMBLE! Out of all the bottoms, out of all the losses, out of everyone that has been affected by my addiction, this time well this time the record has been smashed! And if I don’t keep typing and get these words out then I am afraid I will dive into an even darker place. Actually I think I am too heartless and too selfish to share on a public forum what I did because how do you tell someone that you invested all there money they gave you to hold onto onto the stock market and you LOST THOUSANDS and then to try and make up for it you bet on some sports and horses and then one thousand led to nineteen thousand. And look where you are now, you are a 38 year old pathetic woman who is now homeless, single and not to mention she has ruined her partners life (ex now). A part of me thought maybe we can get through this, after all he gave me the money knowing I was a recovery addict and I asked him on more then one occasion to take the money back and he said NO. But I can’t put this on him, I can’t put the way he aggressively reacted and how he was so close to touching my face with his fist, or the terrible things he said and especially when he said that I must do this as a living, find guys online, take there money and ruin their lives as none of this between us was ever real. And I can’t blame him when within 5 minutes of telling him what happened (he accused me of lying and wouldn’t let him show him how I lost most to shares) had already messaged my sister and my brother and God knows who else. That in between him throwing my things out and yelling at me for the whole neighborhood to hear that I am a gambler and a thief and everything else he said. That when he threatened to hunt me down until I paid him back that it is all justified because I did something so terrible, I broke his heart, trust and broke his bank. That I have no right to feel sad over my actions, after all I sabotage everything right! I am just a failure and now my siblings need time to process everything because I have broken their hearts. And even though I really thought that I found the love of my life and that we were going to get married and have children that shedding a tear over it is fake because how can I be sad over something caused by my own actions. There is no BEST TO COME now Izzi, there is no “happy days!”. This is the ultimate betrayal and now you have made enemies and they might even come for you. Yeah they probably will because you deserve it.