Hiya OAJ
The word ‘recovery’, in my opinion, is a bit deceptive as it implies there will be an end or a cure. I know that many CGs do not like the word but it is now in common usage.
F&F can recover completely from living with the addiction, they can go on and forget but for the CG there is no cure and little chance of completely forgetting.
So to answer your question, I believe that ‘recovery’ is a word that implies a process that is underway and abstinence is a part of that process. I think most CGs probably have false starts with their recovery and I have used the term a ‘true recovery’ before now as being the one that changes everything but cannot be recognised as being ‘true’ for a long time.
For me, therefore, neither abstinence nor recovery fit the bill completely. I have however seen true recoveries and in each case the difference has been tangible. I liken it to putting down a heavy load, a burden that was so great it weighed down every aspect of the life it inhabited. Freedom is precious and worth fighting for, so having gained freedom the CG is better equipped to fight the addiction, although they can never completely destroy it – what they can do and do amazingly well is control it.
The CG burden contains painful memories and guilt and it is important that some of the pain is tipped out to allow space for new thought and real hope. The CG will not know how to do this because the addiction hates giving any ground and doesn’t intend to allow such understanding. If the CG is abstinent but hasn’t dealt with the addiction there is a vacuum which the addiction will gladly re-fill. Many CGs mistakenly believe that abstinence is recovery. Debt can be cleared, relationships moved on and everybody has relaxed. However the danger is still there and mind bets keep the addiction alive which is why, not only the right support but also on-going support, is so important. .
If I write any more I think I will begin to ramble so I will leave it there for now and wait for you to reply and ask any questions you may have.
V
