There was gratitude, calm, peace and patient in my life at the moment as things slowly return back to normal.
I could recognize my illness when the obsession, impulsiveness and compulsiveness appear recently.
At the moment, I am just glad that I don’t feel their presence as their power and strength has weaken and not driving me to gamble against my will.
1. I was mindful that I am a part of something bigger than myself, there is a power greater than myself in charge of everything.
2. I have a direction in life; I used the money that I had to love people, I used the money to honor my parent and friends. I did not want to fall into the trap of loving money and using money to feed my selfish, self centeredness and self seeking desires.
3. My mentor has got in touch with me again. Working recovery alone is tough.
4. There was a new potential buyer contacting me to purchase my property.
5. Work appears normal at the office. The management has leave me to work in peace unlike the strong grieviance and unjust treatment felt by me only 2 months ago. It was tough.
6. My 90 years old mum is not throwing her frustrations anymore after I have given her money. I have already provided the family money and did not have anymore money. It was tough.
After the gambling. I won so much money, I did not forget to give her more money and love by getting her favorite crabs.
7. It really felt like gambling against my will at one point of time and I was struggling to stop to protect my winning about 3 weeks ago, the continue gambling felt unstoppable. I lost some of my winnings away. It was tough.
I really felt the pain of losing these money, imagine what I can do with this sum of money, it was more than 2 months of my salary. I did not had this painful feeling of loss for many years. I had lost more money many times and did not have this pain because it was numb by everything but not this time round. I really felt it.
I had to stop gambling and allow things to return to normal. This time without the obsession, impulsiveness and compulsiveness, I won another 4 months salary.
I intend to stop and not binge gamble before the obsession, impulsiveness and compulsiveness return.
It is only a matter time before the compulsive gambling appears, I do not have it now but am very sure that the compulsive gambling will return if continue to chase the winning and losing in gambling.
Somehow I am still safe, I was driven and motivated by what gambling can do to me, but I was more afraid of what gambling can do to me.
I did not want to lose my sense of value for money. The money has help me to service my loan, debt, bills and more importantly help me love my family.
Every cent counts and matter but in gambling they are just a number.
My days are long and tiring nowadays, I did not rest properly for the last few weeks, I was working long hours and keeping as long hours monitoring the sporting events. It felt like working 2 jobs at the same time. I was also in the process of selling a property, I need to let the potential buyer view my property over the weekend. This probably explain why I missed all my usual recovery support group meetings over every weekend. I can recognise that not having enough proper rest and sleep is a danger sign.
I am trying to slow everything down.
Good times and bad times, I have return to this place to keep in touch with my recovery.
I am a grateful addict. I have survive till this day by the mercy, grace and unconditional love shown by God and everyone.
I have brought many disappointment, pain, hardship and suffering to others in the past. By merit alone, I was very undeserving and unworthy.
Thank God for everything!