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#14564
kin
Participant

Dear diary,
After going total abstinence for more than 6 months last year, I finally have the chance to experience the best time of my recovery journey and what it feels like to be clean.
However, I am afraid that I have also taken just about the same time to return to the same problem but on a more profound level.

The Spirit intends to investigate and examine my recovery, layer by layer, throwing out the junk and preserving the values that were appropriate to each stage of our recovery.

I now realized that spiritual journey is not a success story or a career move.
It was a series of humiliations influencing me to change and put to death my will and my ways.
After I earn my freedom, I soon found out and learn that I can never use my freedom like a ordinary normal person.
All I did was feed my desires and urge like a normal person. I gamble a few times, I abuse alcohol once, fed my flesh a few times, overeat countless times since August last year.
I realized each time I feed my urge, it actually get stronger the next time, it doesn’t have to be gambling, it can be any desires or urge. Now the urge I get are very strong and I have become very impulsive. I am acting out even when my mind say no or I am already acting out before I could think. As a result, I am so ashamed and disgusted with my corrupted, immoral and irresponsible behaviors. I became a terrible person.
This behavior has to go if I do not want more problem in my life in future.
I don’t want to pretend that I do not know what to do. There is no other way for me. I need to go total abstinence before things get serious and I am out of control. Abstinence from what ?
For me it has to be gambling, pornography, alcohol, overeating, workaholics and others.
I don’t need to make a lifetime promise I cannot keep. My short term plan is 180 days beginning from tomorrow.
Change is difficult but it is my choice, I am prepared for the unbearable and suffering days ahead. I will not give up my clean days until I reach 180.
From last year experience, 180 days of clean days can do me great wonder. Help me God!

Question to consider
What false self are you struggling with that Christ wants you to die to so that you can truly live?