Hey Everyone,
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 🙂
It has been a while since I posted last, so much has happened since my last post. The past couple of months I have struggled to stop gambling, been in self denial about not being in control. A part of me has felt this huge pressure that my debt is a liability to my current relationship and I used that as motivation to gamble and to be able to pay off more of the debt, we all know how that ends. Well for me it resulted in me losing all my pay and now having two cash advance loans on top of my current debt. As soon as I lost the last bit of money on the last loan I just knew it was now, or never so I self banned myself and started counselling last week. My brain is still detoxing and fighting urges but it feels so good to have a safety net set in place, it makes the temptation so much easier to deal with. My partner broke up with me when I told him what happened, he had enough of the lies and deceit. We ended up getting back together but he is still very angry and very dirty on me, he believes its just a matter of time before I go back and relapse and he doesn’t know how to handle it. I have tried to explain things to him but he doesn’t get it, or understand and I can’t blame him. However his negativity towards me isn’t helping me in a time I need him to be supportive and I understand it is also hard for him. He told me yesterday that his really hurt by my actions and I told him I don’t know what to say or do in response since sorry isn’t enough for him and that getting help right now doesn’t seem to stand for alot in his eyes. He cracked it that I don’t have another booked appointment with the counsellor even though I said to him I already told her we will re-connect next year, I always just text her and she is always has availability. My actions have been selfish and I understand I am responsible for the damage I caused but having him lecture me about my bad choices and just be negative about it all doesn’t help, it makes things worse, I already feel so guilty and so terrible. And the truth is I know he has stuck around and I am thankful for that but I need to put myself first and if he continues on like this I don’t know how much more I can take.
Really need advice on how to deal with him, how to make hi understand. I suggested we have some space and he doesn’t want that, its either we stick together or we break things off and right now in my recovery I don’t think my heart can handle a break up. We also live together (it is his place) and I don’t have the financial means to just find my own place. I love him and I want us to work, I always want to get clean and to be with someone who will support me instead of just waiting for me to stuff up, I know its probably a defense mechanism for him and I have exposed him to a world he never knew.
Any advice, tips, suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Today is day 10 of being cg free 🙂