Gambling Therapy logo

Thank you for your support, Kpat. Yes, to me the shame and guilt is mostly around my child. I wish I could just do it for him. He has turned his life around and is so responsible and I receive such positive comments about him and his caring nature, that I feel so ashamed. All I’ve taught him has made him a lovely likeable, good person and look at me, selfish, dishonest and a failure.

I has been long lonely journey of struggle and torment where one feels you’re all alone. I used to look around at my colleagues and Clients on site and think none of them know what I’m going through or are ignorant enough to do this. They’re all professionals. Yet I am mature and more senior and have lost the plot. I used to listen how my colleagues and people on junior levels speak about their holidays or going on their next planned holiday to a country they’ve never been and I used think I can’t believe this. Here I am earning so much more than them and when I took holidays, I stayed at home, only to gamble as I didn’t have money to go on holidays anymore like I did.

I can’t achieve half the things I need to do because gambling has captivated my time and my life. So many things I could do and have but never had the money to do which was well in my reach only because I gambled all my salary away in the last few months.My money was gone before the end of the month and I wasn’t even in the new month.

But I have realised I can’t win this battle by myself or within myself. I am not strong enough. My faith in God is strong. If I remained faithful in doing what I know I should do to keep on the straight and narrow and trust God and stop relying on my self efforts, I will overcome. This battle has already been won and overcome by God. I need to accept, believe and trust God.I’m glad to hear you find Him too, essential to your recovery.

It is very encouraging to hear how stopping over the last 6 months has made a huge difference. I need to learn that this will apply to me too if I stop. I can win and get into a better financial position if I stop gambling, rather than the reverse.

I’m still thinking of how to secure my next salary. I have so much to pay and have to pay my company card too which is arrears and I can’t use, so I just have to. My clear, right, normal mind tells me what I know I should do but heaven forbid these evil demons convincing me and leading me down that dark track with again.

Funny, my daily reading today was….’One step closer’…. One day closer to getting a glimpse of the ‘summit’. It’s like a guide leading the way and shining a torch on the path in a jungle in the dark but I veer off into the dark jungle to find my own way. I’ve been deceived into thinking that money is the answer to all my needs and lost my character in the process.

All this must change. I want to be recover, get my life back and be normal again and value and appreciate the simple things in life and know that I am blessed.

Stay strong and focused.